Spiraling Themes
by Dark Patrician
Summary: There are quite a few themes which pop up over and over again in Naruto fan-fiction, these are my takes on these themes. Sometimes funny and sometimes serious but always trying to be good.
1. Prologue

I'm sure that if you're reading this story than you're a fan of Naruto or a fan of my work that just wanted to see what this story is about. Now I've read quite a few Naruto fan-fictions on this site some good, some bad, some that I think elevate the franchise, and a couple that I think are so idiotic that they make the worst moments of canon look excellent...and no I won't list the bad but you can look at my favorites for the good.

Along the way I have come across several recurring themes, plot elements, tropes, whatever you want to call them. The following chapters are me taking a shot at writing a one-shot based on one or more of those themes. Some will be comedic, others will be dramatic, but hopefully all will be enjoyable in some way or another.

If you have a suggestion for a theme for me to cover, go ahead and let me know and without further ado here comes the stories.


	2. A New Team

One of the more common story types I've found is "What if Naruto was on another team?" And who can blame these authors, Team 7 is a joke! Canon shows a major example of Kakashi ditching Naruto to train Sasuke, although with Gaara proving his willingness to kill anybody and Neji only showing he wants to kill Hinata may have influenced his decision; Sasuke's regular attitude toward Naruto is dismissive at best and condescending at worst, the time he thought he was dying not withstanding; and Sakura...well she's abusive toward Naruto and obsessive toward Sasuke, somehow I wouldn't be surprised if she watched Sasuke while he slept. And so with that in mind I present:

**The Legend of Team 42**

Sarutobi Hiruzen, Third Hokage, God of the Shinobi, and three time winner of the Elemental Nations bowling tournament sighed in contentment. There weren't any pressing missions to hand out, relations between the countries were neutral at worst, Konohamaru wasn't trying to kill him, and the next generation of shinobi had been assigned to their teams, including his favorite blond...

"OLD MAN!"

...Naruto. Sarutobi now sighed in annoyance. The door to his office burst open and the jinchuriki for the Kyuubi raced in and slammed the door in the face of Sarutobi's secretary...whoever she was.

"Naruto, what have I told you about barging into my office?"

"Only to do it if there's an emergency."

"Is there an emergency?"

"Yeah! My team sucks!" Sarutobi looked up in surprise, he had thought being on a team with his crush and his father's student, not that he knew that, would be great for Naruto.

"What's wrong with your team?"

"What's right would be a better question. Sakura either ignores me, hits me, makes goo-goo eyes at Sasuke or yells at Kakashi; Sasuke ignores me entirely; and Kakashi is constantly late, never teaches me anything and breaks into my house whenever he wants to dump fruit on my table. I've got two dozen pears! I don't even like pears!"

"Naruto your team is still new, you can't expect..."

"You know what?" Naruto interrupted. "I'd be better off on a team with a loaf of bread, a rock, and a monkey!" Thunder suddenly shook the skies, dogs started howling, and the lights flickered dramatically in the Hokage's office.

"Naruto, do you know what you've said?"

"No."

"Every Hokage when they take office chooses a secret phrase and if that phrase is ever spoken in a request than the current Hokage has to fulfill that request no matter what!"

"So if I ever want something all I have to do is say whatever I said and you'd do it?"

"No, that'd be silly," Sarutobi answered, "Just the first time. Like now, you just said Tobirama Senju's secret phrase."

"Why would the Hokage's ever do that?

"Don't ask silly questions Naruto. The point is you're getting your wish, you are no longer on Team 7 and shall now be transferred to a new team, Team 42!"

"All right. When do I meet them?"

"I'll have your team ready the day after tomorrow. Now I just need..." The door flew open again and in walked Danzo.

"Sarutobi, I heard the noise and saw all of the flashing lights did somebody say...it?"

"Yep, Naruto here has requested a new team."

"So there's an opening on the Uchiha's team."

"Yep, now I just need to find somebody to take..."

"I've got somebody who can join Sasuke's team."

"Okay."

"Now I know you probably don't want to put anybody..." Danzo stopped and then said, "Did you say 'Okay'?"

"Yeah."

"You're letting me put whoever I want on his team?"

"I was only interested in Team 7 because Naruto was on it, if he's out, I don't give a damn, put whoever you want. I'll even demote you to genin and put you on the team if you want."

"No, no that's okay," Danzo quickly interrupted remembering the horrifying D-ranked missions. "Their new teammate will be there tomorrow." And with that Danzo quickly left, giddy about the prospects...seriously almost skipping out of there.

**2 Days Later**

Naruto walked into the Hokage's office eager to start life with his new team.

"I'm here Old Man where's my new team?"

"Right here Naruto," Sarutobi answered gesturing to his couch. Naruto turned his head and there sitting on the couch were...a loaf of bread, a rock the same size as the loaf of bread, and a monkey, "These are Rock-san, Loaf of Bread, and your new sensei, Ook-Ook."

"Okay I get it Old Man, I'm sorry, I'll stop hiding your tobacco."

"That was you?!" Sarutobi roared. "You-you-you...sigh...just take your new team to a training field and get to know each other

**Later at the Training Field**

"Well, I guess we should get to know each other," Naruto said looking at his new teammates who were seated in a circle with him.

**Two Hours Later**

"Wow, you guys shared way more than my old team," Naruto commented, "I guess its my turn..."

**Two Hours Later**

"I mean...why couldn't anybody tell me this sooner? Why did I have to find out from somebody trying to kill me?" Naruto asked through his tears.

**Two More Hours Later**

"You know Loaf of Bread, you make a good point, I was just chasing after a fantasy and ignoring the many, many flaws of the real Sakura. I'm done crushing on her." Naruto declared.

**Two Hours Even Later...Wow This is a Long Team Meeting**

Naruto didn't want it to, but eventually the group hug ended. "You guys are the best friends I could've ever asked for and we are going to be the greatest ninja team ever."

**The Next Day**

"Team 42, I'm assigning you the task of catching Tora the cat! Good luck!"

**One Week Later**

The new version of Team 7 stood in the Hokage's office for a new mission.

"Ah, Team 7 and how is the new configuration working out?" the Hokage asked.

"Very well Lord Hokage," Kakashi answered. "Sai has been an excellent addition to the team."

"Why is his head bandaged up?" the Hokage asked.

"We were practicing First Aid right before we arrived," Kakashi answered, not wanting to admit that Sakura had tried to bash his brains in after implying Sasuke didn't have a penis.

"That's great, well we've got plenty of D-ranks that need doing..."

"Actually Lord Hokage I was hoping to get a C-rank for my students."

"Why?"

"Well Sasuke and Sakura have been genin for a while now and Sai's good enough that I think we could handle most things that might pop up on a low C-rank."

"Works for me," Sarutobi answered. "If it wasn't Iruka's lunchtime he'd probably freak out and lecture about the rankings. We just have one C-rank though so Team 7 you'll be escorting Tazuna the bridge builder back to his home in Wave." On cue the drunk bridge builder stumbled into the room and calmly looked at his escorts.

"Ah! A mummy!" *THUD*

And by calmly I mean screamed like a little girl and passed out at the sight of the wrapped up genin.

"Like I said, you'll be escorting Tazuna the bridge builder back to his home in Wave tomorrow, when he regains consciousness. Dismissed!"

**The Next Day**

Iruka and the Hokage sat in the mission room after they had just finished sending Team 8 out to paint a tree or plant a fence or whatever menial task the client ordered.

"You know who I haven't seen in a while?" Iruka asked.

"Who?"

"You and your freaky friends can't go in there!" the secretary shouted from outside the room.

"Try and stop us you old hag!" a familiar voice shouted.

"Naruto," both Iruka and Sarutobi said.

"Hey what are you doing stop that!" the secretary screamed. The door opened and Naruto walked into the room calmly, pulling a little red wagon loaded with his sensei, teammates, and Tora the cat.

"Team 42, reporting mission Retrieve Tora completed." Naruto announced.

"Retrieve Tora?" Sarutobi repeated. "Naruto I assigned your team that mission a week ago. What took so long?"

"Tora ran far away."

"'Tora ran far away'" Sarutobi repeated. "I could understand it taking a day, but a week. And how far did he get?"

"The Land of Waves." Naruto answered.

"The Land of Waves!" both men shouted.

"Naruto, what were you doing leaving the village! Why didn't you tell anybody?" Iruka scolded.

"But..."

"Naruto, what did I tell you about attacking my secretary?" Sarutobi asked.

"I didn't attack her, she insulted my new friends and they attacked her."

"New friends? What new friends?" Iruka asked. Naruto turned around and called out, "Its okay guys you can come in!" Four people walked into the room a large man with bandages on his face and a huge sword, two guys dressed identically wearing masks, and either an effeminate boy or a cute girl and Naruto introduced them, "The two masked guys are Meizu and Gōzu, the guy with the giant sword is Zabuza, and our kimono wearer is Haku. They've come to join the village."

"So you four want to work for Konoha?"

"Actually," Zabuza answered, "I'm here to join to kill people, the twins are here to fulfill their life long dream to open a mask shop and Haku's come to be close to Naruto...I mean learn how to be a medic-nin."

"Okay." Sarutobi stated as he pulled out bundles of paperwork. "Just fill out these forms and you'll officially be part of the village."

"That easily?" Haku asked.

"Yeah," Sarutobi answered, "our standards for joining are pretty lax and if Naruto vouches for it its good enough for me. Besides the ANBU have been complaining about the lack of options in masks, they want more themes than animals. So what happened during your mission?"

"Well its a crazy story Old Man you see..."

**One Month Later**

"I have assembled you four teams for an urgent mission. Team Kurenai, Team Guy, Team Asuma, and Team Kakashi...why is Sai in a full body cast on a furniture dolly?"

"More first aid training sir," Kakashi quickly answered, not wanting to tell him Sakura had pounded the crap out of him...again, repeatedly.

"Oh, okay, anyway one month ago Team 42 took on the Find Tora mission. They haven't been seen since."

"That idiot can't find the cat in the village, that's hilarious," Kiba laughed.

"Kiba, its not logical to laugh at the misfortune of our classmates," Shino scolded.

"Besides, last time they took the mission, Tora took them to the Land of Waves and they ended up mixed up in that country's problems.

"Wait, Naruto was in Wave Country? So they must have named the bridge after him." Kakashi wondered out loud.

"There's a bridge named after Naruto?" Hinata asked but didn't stutter because God knows how overdone that gag has been.

"A nice bridge too, very big and its got an orange racing stripe down the middle. Tazuna was shocked when he saw it, they finished it while he was gone. He also failed to mention that his daughter had been elected leader of the country."

"Maybe he forgot, she hadn't been leader long when we got there," Sakura offered. "Maybe a week at most."

"Anyway," the Hokage interrupted, "you're also going to have Iruka here with you because he can find Naruto when nobody else can."

"Even the ANBU?" Kurenai asked.

"Especially the ANBU," the Hokage answered remembering the dozen or so times an untrained Naruto in bright stand out colors was able to hide from dozens of trained ANBU...apparently.

"We'll begin looking immediately dad -er, sir," Asuma stated.

"Yosh, we will find our wayward comrades and return them home and if cannot I will..." Guy began.

"I know, I know do hundreds of exercises," the Hokage interrupted, "just go out there and find Naru..."

"You can't bring that trash in here!" the Hokage's secretary shouted.

"But this is all part of our mission!" a familiar voice shouted back.

"It can't be," Iruka stated.

"I don't care if you brought Kami itself, you are not...AAAAAHHHH!"

"Loaf of Bread did you have to knock her out? ... Yeah I know she was getting loud but still, the Old Man's going to yell at us again." The door opened and Naruto walked in pulling his team wagon loaded with his teammates, a small boy petting Tora, a terrarium with insects in it, some assorted scrolls and the green haired man knocked out and locked in a cage. "Hi Old Man, your secretary's out so..."

"I heard Naruto, why didn't your team report where you were or when you left?"

"We did. Ook-Ook-sensei has been sending in reports every 12 hours."

"I never received a report."

"Oooh, oooh, ooh ah, ooh ah," Ook-Ook stated and then pointed to a side table with a large pile of yellow scrolls on it.

"Oh," Sarutobi chuckled nervously, "I never noticed those, sorry."

"So this is your team? A monkey, a child, and a guy in a cage?" Sasuke asked.

"Don't be stupid, Rock-san and Loaf of Bread are my teammates, Ranmaru just tagged along with us and the green hair is our prisoner." Naruto answered.

"A loser team for a loser ninja," Sasuke taunted because he was obviously jealous at Naruto's team having so many awesome adventures. Naruto's retort was cut off by the sudden arrival of Tora's owner, the large lady grabbed Tora and hugged her tightly.

"Oh Tora, how I've missed you! Here's a sack of money," she added dropping a sack of money on Sarutobi's desk. "Let's go home Tora." She quickly dashed out of the room clutching onto Tora for dear life.

"Old Man," Naruto began but Sarutobi held up his hands to quiet Naruto and began counting down with his fingers as they listened to the lady outside.

"Oh my precious Tora, Mommy missed you! (5) I'm never letting you out of my sight again. (4) Oh, is this a new Ninja Kitty comic strip! (3) Oh that's the funniest, cutest thing I've ever read, isn't it Tora? (2) Tora? Tora!" Everybody heard pounding footsteps (1) and Sarutobi pointed at the door a split second before it flew open. "Sarutobi! Sarutobi!" she cried as she raced to his desk. My precious Tora's gone missing! You have to find her! Here's a sack of money," she dropped another sack of money on the desk, "go save her before she's eaten by a squirrel or something!" And with that she raced off crying.

"Do we have to go catch Tora again?" Naruto asked.

"No!" Sarutobi and Iruka both shouted quickly and then the Hokage added, "Teams 7 through 10 since you're here and your original mission resolved itself, I'm ordering your teams to work together to catch Tora."

"Yosh! We shall catch the errant feline and have as many splendid adventures as Team 42 did and if we do not then I will attach a boulder to my nipples and drag it around the village." Guy declared.

"And if you cannot do that then I will lift a fifty pound weight using only my testicles," Lee declared.

"And if you cannot do that..." Guy began.

"JUST GO!" Sarutobi roared and the green clad duo raced off. Tenten and Neji turned to face the Hokage. "Can we transfer to Team 42?" Tenten asked. "Those two scare us."

"I no longer fear death," Neji added, "Fate has declared those two will be the death of me."

"No," Sarutobi answered. "Now all of you go!" And with that all of the other ninjas left the room, except one. "Kakashi you forgot Sai!" Kakashi quickly ran back in and rolled his third student out. "Well that should at least keep them busy for a couple hours."

"I wouldn't be so sure," Naruto stated pointing out the window. The two men turned around in time to see Tora flying by in an improvised hot air balloon.

"What in the world?" Iruka said stunned.

"Yeah, between side quests we caught Tora but we had to wait on a ferry and I won a free lesson in how to operate a hot air balloon so we all got onboard with Tora, so Tora might have learned how to build and fly one." Naruto explained.

"So I just sent my four rookie genin squads and best jonin out to catch a cat that can fly a hot air balloon?"

"Yeah."

"Well since you're all here, why don't you tell me what happened on your mission." Sartuobi ordered.

And so Team 42 told the Hokage the story of how they tried to catch Tora while having to deal with the Criminal Brothers in the Land of Vegetables, catching the bikōchū beetle, defeating former member of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist Raiga Kurosuki and why they had Ranmaru with them, stopping a ghost in the Land of Birds, dealing with the problems of the sacred star of Hoshigakure, and catching the traitor Aoi Rokushō. And with each story they opened a scroll from the people relevant to that part of the story thanking Konoha for their help and providing payment for a high ranked mission. But that would probably bore you so we'll move on. Team 42 was about to leave when Naruto suddenly remembered something.

"Oh hey Old Man, Zabuza-sensei was going to start teaching me kenj...kanji...swordfighting. Can I keep the swords I found?"

"Sure," Sarutobi stated still stunned from the story and not really realizing what he was saying. "They're yours."

**Six Weeks Later**

"Welcome back," Sarutobi stated to the just returned teams 7 through 10. "Where are Guy and Lee?"

"They found a boulder and a fifty pound weight." Asuma stated.

"On second thought, I don't need to see them. The chunin exams are next week, enter if you want to."

**Two to Three Weeks Later**

The Hokage looked down with pride at the genin who had passed the second exam, especially those from his village. Suna's lone team had done very well, a record breaking time best second place time ever. They would've come in first if Team 42 hadn't beaten them there by five minutes and brought two complete sets of scrolls and a red head named Karin whose team was killed by a bear and was sticking to Naruto ever since...something about "huge and warm" that frankly he didn't want to know about. At this rate Naruto's apartment building that he now somehow owned was going to need another floor...and another game room. 'I'm tired of fighting with Zabuza and Ook-Ook over who's turn it was to use the air hockey table,' Sarutobi thought.

Hayate had announced the special elimination stage and several things had happened first two of the combatants had dropped out.

'Sai I could understand,' Sarutobi thought, 'Something awful must have happened to him for him to arrive in an iron lung...where ever they got one. But why did Kabuto drop out?' Many fights had already happened and now it was time for the first fight involving a member of Team 42.

"Ino Yamanaka versus Rock-san! Hajime!" Hayate announced.

**Two Minutes Later**

"Winner Rock-san!" Hayate announced as he looked at the fallen Yamanaka heiress, Rock-san hadn't pulled its punches fighting a girl.

"Woo! Yay Rock-san!" Naruto cheered.

"The next match...Sakura Haruno versus Loaf of Bread!"

'Cha! There's no way I'm going to lose to one of Naruto-baka's stupid teammates like Ino-pig!' Sakura thought. 'Then Sasuke will fall in love with me and we'll get married and have six children and then...'

"Sakura!" Kakashi interrupted. "They're waiting on you!" Sakura looked down to see the referee and her opponent waiting and quickly ran down.

"Sakura Haruno versus Loaf of Bread! Hajime!"

"Okay bread you're toast! Cha!"

"Like we haven't heard that one before," Naruto grumbled.

**One Minute Later**

"Winner Loaf of Bread!" Hayate announced as he watched the medical team frantically run onto the field to load the beaten girl onto a stretcher.

"Woo! Way to go Loaf of Bread!" Naruto cheered surprising everybody who thought he still on a crush on the pink-haired kunoichi and giving hope to a certain Hyuga who was desperately trying to not use the Byakugan to see how much Naruto had grown. That's Hinata by the way not Neji...at least I don't think its Neji.

"The next battle, Naruto Uzumaki vs. Kiba Inuzaka!"

"Ooh ooh, oh ah." Ook-Ook advised.

"Thank you sensei," Naruto responded.

'I'm gonna beat Naruto and then Hinata will fall in love with me and we'll get married and have six children and then...' Kiba began thinking because apparently he loved Hinata...despite no evidence to that.

"Kiba!" Kurenai interrupted, "They're waiting on you!" Kiba looked down to see the referee and Naruto waiting and quickly ran down.

"Naruto Uzumaki vs. Kiba Inuzaka! Hajime!"

**Two Minutes Later**

"Winner Naruto Uzumaki!" Hayate announced as he looked at the duo of Kiba and the transformed Akamaru who didn't look like two people as much as a giant pretzel, or if one of the Kiba's heads was moved six inches, a human centipede.

**Later That Night**

"I just want to say. I would've never gotten this far without my sensei or my teammates, the best friends I could've ever asked for and I want to thank all of you for making me feel like part of your families." Naruto stated to the room full of rocks, loaves of bread, his monkey sensei, and the Ichiraku's who were catering the party.

"Ook ook, ooo aah!" Ook-Ook seconded.

**The Next Day**

It had taken some work but Ook-Ook had worked it out with both Rock-san and Loaf of Bread's clans that they would do the bulk of his student's training while he would focus on training Naruto but give his others pointers on what they needed to work on. Only time would tell how the team would fair under the intense training that was to come.

**One Month Later**

"Winner Naruto Uzumaki!" Genma Shiranui announced as the medics raced to pick up Neji from where he had fallen...Genma didn't know what the hell that move was Naruto used, but he was sure glad he wasn't on the receiving end of it. In the stands all of the spectators stood silent except for one section which had been filled to the brim with everybody Naruto had saved. The men were cheering with admiration and the women were cheering in love because somehow Naruto had charmed all of them...or at least all of the cute ones. All of them were holding up one of those cards that when put together with everybody else's card in a section make a picture, in this case, a picture of Naruto

**Several Hours Later**

It was the final battle of the first round of the Third Exam...excluding the match between Gaara and Sasuke that was postponed because Sasuke was absent, probably puking his guts out in terror somewhere or something. Anyway, the arena had taken a beating before but this battle had left it a wreck especially the entire wall that had been destroyed. This was the most impressive battle anybody had ever seen between the two genin, Rock-san and Loaf of Bread.

Both members of Team 42 were standing across from each other, virtually untouched but exhausted and now both were preparing for their final attack.

"Guys, its not worth it! You'll end up killing each other!"

"..."

"..."

Naruto sniffed as he tried to hold back the tears, "I don't care about having the best battle ever! I care about you two!"

"..."

"..."

Both combatants unleashed their final attack in a blinding flash.

"Hey are we too late?" Kakashi's voice asked from within the light before an ear shattering boom rattled the arena. Everybody eagerly looked down to see what had happened and when the smoke cleared they saw that the arena had been thoroughly destroyed and the ground charred except for the point where the two attacks had met and the ground leading from that point back to the contestants and beyond where everything was untouched. And the only wall that had been intact now had two deep person shaped imprints that were filled with the badly injured Kakashi and Sasuke.

And with that, our story ends because the best stories end with a bang.

_Author's Notes: One of the things about 'New Team' stories I hate is how fast Naruto usually changes in them, new personality, new wardrobe, new opinions on everybody. Just one day canon and next POOF completely different character. So I hopefully made fun of that with the first team meeting and the fact that since the authors tend to skip over important character building moments why not just skip over large chunks of story to get to the good parts? I also noticed how Naruto's team always goes to Wave and how Haku and sometimes Zabuza are always saved but never the Demon Brothers...why? There are also a couple other common fan-fiction clichés that keep popping up that I had to throw in for fun like Kiba/Hinata, Guy's crazy physical challenge stuff, and Tora is more that it looks. Oh and if anybody is ever going to make a fan-art of one of my works I hope its one showing Naruto pulling his team in the wagon or Tora in the improvised hot-air balloon, those images just make me smile when I picture them._

_Until next time,_

_Dark Patrician_


	3. Baby

_A word that I've seen pop up in several descriptions and stories is the word, "Baby." Usually this is a story about one main character having to raise the now baby version of another character, mostly for adorable consequences. So based on that and a Jeff Foxworth's route about how men turn into babies when they're sick, this short was formed. Oh and bonus fact, this started out as an Omake for my series, Not Your Friendly Neighborhood Uzumaki. So with all that in mind, I proudly present:_

_Three Akatsuki and a Baby!_

In one of the Akatsuki's secret bases, because having just one would be silly, four of the world's most powerful missing-nin were gathered together in person to discuss a very pressing problem.

"Kisame has contracted the Baby Transformation flu," Pein explained to his three subordinates.

"Baby Transformation flu?" Diedara repeated.

"Yes, its an extremely rare type of flu that has a one in a million chance of turning whoever contracts it into a baby for a week."

"How would a virus cause somebody to turn into a baby?" Diedara asked.

"Damn it Diedara, I'm the leader of a secret organization, not a medic-nin." Pein replied.

"So Kisame is now..." Kakuzu began but was cut off by an ear shattering wail. The orange haired leader reacted quickly by racing into the next room and shoving a bottle into baby Kisame's mouth to shut him up. Baby Kisame looked exactly like regular Kisame only as a baby.

"A baby," Pein finished. "I've sent Sasori to Itachi to take Kisame's place; while they're gone I'm leaving you three to take care of baby Kisame."

"Why isn't Konan doing this?" Hidan cursed.

"I'm worried she might fall in love with the baby," Pein explained, "and it would break her heart if the child she was taking care of grew up to be Kisame."

"What about Zetsu?" Deidara asked.

"Zetsu loves sushi and baby back ribs."

"What does that...oh." Deidara began before realizing what Pein meant.

"Why all three of us?" Hidan asked.

"Because I said so, goodbye." And with that Pein disappeared in a poof of smoke as he used his Animal Path to summoned him away.

"Well I guess we're babysitting, how bad could it be?" Deidara asked.

_Feeding Kisame_

"Here comes the train looking for the tunnel." Deidara began moving a spoonful of food toward Kisame, but the baby kept his mouth shut. "Here comes the ninja returning to his village," Deidara tried again, and again Kisame's mouth stayed closed. "Here comes the wounded fish flopping toward the shark." Kisame smiled very big and leapt out of his high-chair and engulfed the food, the spoon, and Deidara's hand all in one shot. The blond bomber leapt up and started running around, flailing his arms wildly and screaming, "He's biting my hand, he's biting my hand!"

"Bite him back!" Kakuzu shouted. Deidara opened his opposite hand's mouth and started biting baby Kisame's butt. The two Akasuki members ended up kicking up a cloud of dust as they fought to make the other one stop biting first.

_Reading to Kisame_

Kisame laid in bed hugging his teddy bear, with Kakuzu reading him a bedtime story. "Once upon a time there were three sharks, a mommy shark, a papa shark and a baby shark named Kisame."

"Does anybody else think its weird that Kisame already had a story book and a teddy bear available?" Hidan asked, after Kakuzu had finished his story and closed the door to the now sleeping Kisame's room.

"No," Kakuzu responded pulling his own heavily stitched teddy bear out from behind his back.

"I call mine Smokey," Deidara stated, as he held up his brown bear wearing a tan hat.

"Jashin help me you and your bears are weird," the follower of Jashin swore as he walked off.

"Don't listen to him Mr. Wuvums," Kakuzu said gently stroking his bear, "He's just jealous I don't like him as much as you."

_Sleeping Kisame_

Kisame slept peacefully in his bed after Kakuzu's bedtime story. Silently at the foot of the bed a two colored shadow rose and began to whisper to itself.

"We should cover him in paprika and smoke him for hours," the white side whispered.

"No, we should carefully slice him up and serve him as sashimi," the black side argued.

"Smoke."

"Sashimi."

"Smoke!"

"Sashimi!"

"Sashimi!" the white side shouted.

"I'm glad we agree," the black side stated happily.

"That's not how its supposed to work!"

"You're just mad you lost."

"Didn't you used to have a hand?" the white side asked.

"What?" the black side held up its arm...without a hand on it. "What happened?!"

"I think it happened," the white side pointing to the strange beast made up of a handle, a mass of spikes, and one large tooth filled mouth.

"What is it?" the black side asked.

"I think that's Samehada." The transformed blade growled at the spilt plant man and then swallowed the hand that it had cut off to prove its point.

"It ate my hand!" the black side shrieked.

"I think we should go."

"It ate my hand!"

"And it still looks hungry." The blade growled and started to crawl toward the plant man.

"You're right, lets get out of here!" The black side shouted, and with that they quickly sank back into the floor and got as far away as possible. Unfortunately, the shout was loud enough to wake the shark baby and start him bawling. Hidan, having drawn the short straw, raced into the room to find Kisame crying at nothing with his sword leaning up against the wall.

"Aw, is little Kisame afraid of the dark? Does the big bad shark-nin need a night light?" Hidan taunted. "Does gill breath want me to check for monsters under..." CHOMP! Hidan started shrieking in pain as a transformed Samehada bit down on Hidan's arm. "Kakuzu! Kisame's sword's trying to eat me!" The Jashinist raced out of the room to find his teammates, leaving a giggling Kisame behind.

_Singing to Kisame_

Hidan sat in a rocker and began singing to Kisame, keeping an eye on the giant sword in the corner, the one he could swear was smirking.

"Rock-a-bye Kisame in our hidden base,

When we rule the world, it'll put a smile on your face.

When we get the Bijuu, the elemental nations will fall,

And down will come our enemies, Kiri and all."

Hidan smiled to himself, sure that his song had put the tiny shark baby to sleep, instead Kisame had shoved his tiny fingers in his ears to block out the sound.

"Well what do you know about good music you little crap sack?"

_SEVERAL DAYS LATER:_

"Ah, Kisame I see you've made a full recovery." Pein stated as he stared at the restored shark-nin.

"Yep, I'm back to my old self. Do you want me to catch up to Itachi to catch the Kyuubi brat?"

"No, you have a much more important mission to perform."

"What's that?"

"Your teammates seem to have caught the flu you had so you're going to have to take care of them."

"Why can't Konan do it?"

"Because I said so, goodbye." And with that Pein disappeared in a poof of smoke as his Animal Path summoned him away, again. Kisame sighed and walked into the next room to see his three teammates...as babies. Baby Hidan was busy preparing to sacrifice his new teddy bear to Jashin, Baby Kakuzu was playing with his toy cash register, and Baby Diedara crawled over to Kisame and pulled on his cloak.

"I made boom-boom," Diedara stated. Kisame sighed, picked Diedara up, and carried him to the next room to change him. When that was done, Kisame returned Diedara to his fellow babies and looked for a place to get rid of the filled diaper. Baby Diedara giggled happily or maybe cackled evilly and then put his hands together in a familiar handsign, "Katsu!"

Kisame's eyes widened as the diaper glowed and then exploded.

_And with that our story ends, we've had our bang, anything after it would just be messy._


	4. Video Games

_A recent addition to the list of recurring Naruto themes is Naruto's life becoming a video game. So in the spirit of that and the Halloween season, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story..._

_The Video Game of Life_

Naruto Uzumaki floated in a white void, he couldn't see, hear, or feel anything. There was nothing there but himself, and he couldn't even feel himself part of the time.

'Time? How long have I been here?' he wondered. His memory was hazy and jumbled; he knew he had fought somebody, but he didn't know who. He remembered Gaara telling him once that as he laid dying he felt his memories being stripped away. 'I miss him,' Naruto thought and then added, 'I wonder who he is."

And Naruto continued to float in the void, leaving him all alone with his fading memories.

"Hello there!" a voice shouted.

Naruto spun around trying to find the source of the voice. "Who's there?"

"Just your friendly neighborhood programmer," the Programmer replied.

"Programmer?"

"Tell me Naruto, do you want to die?"

"What?" Naruto asked. "Are you threatening me?"

"No, just asking. See right now you're in limbo, neither living or dead, one good shove either way is all it will take. So I'm asking, how do you want me to shove you?"

"Why are you asking?"

"There are all sorts of people who live their lives differently, some just drift, some treat every moment very seriously, and to others, life is a game. That's where I step in, I want to bring you back and turn your life into a video game."

"So you'd revive me from the moment I died?"

"Where's the fun in that?" the Programmer replied, teasingly. "I'm going to take you back to the beginning."

"The beginning..." Naruto had played a few video games in his life and the gears in his head started turning as he remembered them and the rules to them. His eyes suddenly widened in realization. "Would I remember this? Would I know I was in a video game? Could I change how things happened in the past?"

"Yes, yes, and...yes. You would have the same control as you would as if you were playing the game on a screen. Interested?"

Naruto thought it over for a moment, "I'm in."

"Excellent, well then...let the game begin." If Naruto could see the Programmer's face, he'd swear the person was smiling. Naruto blacked out for a moment and when he came to the world around him was solid black.

"What is this?" he asked.

_*BIP*_

Naruto swung his head around trying to find the source of the sound and then suddenly he saw a white cube flying toward him. Naruto's ninja training kicked in and the blond shinobi dove out of the way.

_*BEEEP*_

"What's going on?" Naruto looked upward and noticed a "0" floating above him. "This looks..."

_*BIP*_

Naruto's thoughts were cut off when another cube flew toward him, slower than before. Again Naruto dodged.

_*BEEEP*_

Naruto looked upward again, in the distance he could see another number floating, "2," and directly beneath it he caught a glimpse of a white...something.

_*BIP*_

A third cube came toward him.

"Let's try something." Naruto stood still and waiting for the cube to hit him. In a few short seconds that lasted forever, the cube finally connected with him...and bounced right off, flying away from Naruto slowly.

"Okay, so the cube doesn't hurt me and if it gets past me the number over there gets bigger...why does this seem so familiar?"

_*BIP*_

The cube was coming back his way but it was going toward his right.

"I won't get there in time. Unless..." Naruto brought his hands together in a familiar hand sign. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto shouted...but nothing happened.

_*BEEEP* 0-3_

"Why isn't my chakra working? Enough of this. Programmer! What's going on?"

"Are we having trouble?" the Programmer's voice asked from nowhere in its teasing tone.

_*BIP*_

Naruto raced toward the incoming cube, connecting with it and sending it flying back quickly.

"What's going on?"

"It's the game you agreed to pay, is there something wrong?"

"This isn't my life!"

_*BEEEP* 1-3_

"I agreed to live in a game and you told me you were sending me back to the start of my life."

"No, I didn't."

_*BIP*_

The cube was close, too close, Naruto dove sending it back.

"You said you were taking me back to my beginning!"

"I said and I quote, 'I'm going to take you back to the beginning.' Not your beginning."

"What does that mean?" Naruto asked.

"Incoming."

_*BIP*_

The cube was a ways away but by putting on more speed, Naruto was able to catch it in time.

"What does that mean?" Naruto repeated.

"This isn't the beginning of your history, this is the beginning of the history of videogames. Welcome to Pong!" The statement so surprised Naruto that his missed the cube coming his way.

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-4_

"What happened to our deal?"

"I'm just doing what we agreed to, your life is a video game and that game is Pong."

_*BIP*_

Naruto struck the oncoming cube away. "How do I get out of this game?"

"You have to die in the game."

"And if I die here, you'll get me out of here?"

"Yes."

"It goes against my ninja way, but okay."

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-4_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-5_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-6_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-7_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-8_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-9_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-10_

"Here we go," Naruto muttered.

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 1-11_

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 0-1_

"Wait what?" Naruto looked around, still where he was. "Programmer, what happened?"

"Oh, yeah sorry, I forgot to mention...you don't die in Pong, you'll just keep playing forever and ever and ever. Well, have fun!"

"Programmer! Programmer! I don't want to play anymore!"

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 0-2_

"Programmer! Where are you? Please, help me!"

_*BIP*_ _*BEEEP* 0-3_

_ And with that our story ends. This story is dedicated to Al Alcorn, builder of the first commercially successful arcade game: Pong. If you're interested in a story where Naruto's life becomes a video game, check out Naruto: The Gamer Files by MaxFic, it has all the staples of video gaming you love and the author has a dedicated stat chart for every character. If that doesn't scream dedication I don't know what does. Maybe I'll come back to this theme again some time. Happy Halloween everybody!_


End file.
